By SUSHAMA KIRTIKAR - sushamak@verizon.net
So here is yet another article on a well-marinated subject full of the
same ingredients except tossed in a slightly different order. Bear with
me and we will walk through the different aspects of this mosaic called
“How to find a life partner.” For the sake of brevity, I shall label
“the system of love marriages” as L.M. and “the system of arranged
marriages” as A.M.
In L.M, people marry the person they love. They first get engaged and
then get married. Love is at a peak initially. In A.M., people love the
person they marry. It is said, “They first get married and then get
engaged.” Love evolves and grows from the bottom up.
In L.M., the emphasis is on flexibility and personal freedom to choose.
In A.M., the initial preference is that of the parents but the final
decision is still that of the two young adults. True, in the past, the
youngsters were not given a voice. Today, rigidity of this system is a
myth. It has evolved over the years and become a pseudonym for ‘blind
dates’ set up by parents. There are fewer and fewer conservative
archaic arrangements. There has been a meteoric rise of the more
liberal version of arranged marriages.
Statistically, the divorce rate used to be higher in L.M. In the U.S.,
at least 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce. It is to be
noted that second marriages seem to be more enduring and successful
which speaks to the wisdom that comes with age and maturity.
Statistically, divorce rate used to be lower in A.M. Sometimes, this
marriage is considered a marriage of two families, which provides an
inbuilt system of checks and balances and thus further prevents
fragmentation of families. Sometimes however, the couple stays together
at the cost of personal wellbeing, to prevent disintegration of the
extended family and avoid the social stigma of divorce.
In L.M., the quality of marriage may be better because both choose the
partner and they agree to the union having a fair idea of what to
expect from each other. In A.M., the quality of marriage may be
compromised. Partner compatibility based on values, interests and
personality may have been overlooked completely in the zest to ensure a
rock solid family background, or sadly based on the greed for a large
dowry, which in itself is appalling to think this dinosaur still roams
freely on the paved streets of modern day.
Ostensibly, one system seems to be better than the other depending on
the factors being held under a microscope. There is no black-and-white
answer. The pros and cons of each system tally up fairly squarely. It
is the preference of all the players in the field and that is
ultimately what matters most: the voice of every single person involved
in the process. It has to be an inclusive process. Each family as a
unit gets to decide its own manifesto.
Sushama Kirtikar, a licensed mental health counselor in private practice, can be reached at (813) 264-7114 or e-mail at sushamak@verizon.net
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